April 9, 2015

Horoscopes

By: Kira M.

Everyone loves horoscopes! They have TONS of COMPLETELY, 100% SCIENTIFIC evidence! (cough, cough, or maybe not) I’m sure you want to know what tomorrow will be like, but anyway… here you go!

 

Aries

  1. You will go sky diving!
  2. The best advice for you is to quit your job and become a horoscope writer.
  3. Don’t listen to fortune cookies, they are ALWAYS lying.

Leo

  1. You will go on a safari!
  2. The best advice for you is to join the circus. You’re probably a freak.
  3. If you touch that Ouiji board one more time, I’m sending you to Antarctica. Don’t even THINK about it.

Sagittarius

  1. You will buy some pants!
  2. The best advice for you is to build a bridge and get over it.
  3. Shocker- the tooth fairy isn’t real. Just kidding, it’s the Rock.

Taurus

  1. You will go to Spain!
  2. The best advice for you is to get an interesting pet that might kill you when it gets older.
  3. Did you know that if you wish on a shooting star, the opposite thing you wished comes true?

Virgo

  1. You won’t find a significant other.
  2. The best advice for you is to go to a club and order a turkey club. #Punny
  3. Proms are a waste of time

Capricorn

  1. You will buy a Halloween Costume!
  2. The best advice for you is to stop eating orange food.
  3. Dum Dums make you smart and smarties make you average.

Gemini

  1. You will go mining!
  2. The best advice for you is to move to Argentina.
  3. Chocolate Diamonds are totally in right now!

Libra

  1. You will get arrested!
  2. The best advice for you is to give a police officer a get out of jail free card (and film it)
  3. Violets aren’t even blue. MIND=BLOWN

Aquarius

  1. You will almost die but not die!
  2. The best advice for you is to annoy a lifeguard.
  3. Hipsters don’t own sticker books anymore. They’re too mainstream.

Cancer

  1. You will get misdiagnosed with Cancer!
  2. The best advice for you is to lay in the sand and see how long it takes to get sunburned.
  3. Get rid of your magic 8 ball or else

Scorpio

  1. You will get stung by a wasp while climbing in a Willow Tree!
  2. The best advice for you is to sneak food into a Movie Theater.
  3. Your mom is in the Illuminati

Pisces

  1. You will find a dead animal on the street!
  2. The best advice to you is to listen to music you don’t like.
  3. Maybe 1 out of 10 people know an anti-legos activist. Or maybe not.

Everyone

If you took this seriously, there is a 10/10 chance you don’t understand life.